On July 27th after 6 IVF cycles, countless IUI’s and other fertility interventions we found out we were pregnant again and our HCG levels were significantly high possibly indicating a twin pregnancy. As someone who has struggled with infertility the celebration does not begin after you hear the news “YOU’RE PREGNANT!” With my son “H” I didn’t truly celebrate until he was safely in my arms.
The ups and downs, miscarriages, failed cycles and the waiting in between and during cycles can change a person and can rock a marriage to its core. Even the good news can become a double-edged sword.
Today I am 24 weeks pregnant with boy-girl twins and while we should be ecstatic we are actually on a roller coaster ride that has shaken our faith and left us in a cloud of despair.
Out of the gate one of the sacks appeared to be smaller then the other. Initially this was not a big deal but it slowly became something we were now looking at weekly. Due to my age and carrying multiples I was referred to a high-risk perinatal specialist. At around 13 weeks, we were told that we should expect the worse. Due to the nature of my pregnancy we were asked to come in weekly which we initially thought would give us a comforting piece of mind. Each week we were ecstatic to see a heart beat but then we would hear our ultrasound tech explain how things didn’t look good and at our 16-week scan we were convinced by the tech and our doctor that the heart would likely stop in the next few weeks.
At our 20 week anatomy scan we confirmed the thriving baby was a boy and the little one struggling and fighting for dear life was a little girl. At this time she was measuring at around 13 weeks and they – the doctor and tech – pointed to heart issues, spine issues, and fluid in her brain. And if that wasn’t enough the fluid in her placenta was/is so minimal, which is a sign of poor kidney development that impacts her lung development. After this appointment we opted to having minimal ultrasounds because the anxiety leading up to these appointments was too much to bare.
Women who have been pregnant know those little ones are pretty active when you are trying to get that much needed sleep. In the wee hours of the night I hold my belly feeling the various kicks and moves and wonder “is that you…are you still with us?” It’s like living through a nightmare each and every night. The largest hurdle we struggle with are the why’s. Why us? Why do I have to lose another baby? Why give me her Father if you intend to take her away?
My faith has been challenged beyond belief. Once I crossed over into the second trimester I started asking for prayer. I’d ask anyone I knew who was a believer to pray for our babies and for my faith. I strongly believe all of those who have rallied around us in prayer these past few months have helped me specifically in one of the darkest periods of my life.
Over the last few weeks we have decided to name our little fighter girl Faith because in the end that is really all we have when it comes to understanding her fate and our journey in the coming months and likely years. We also decided to wait three weeks before going back for another ultrasound; at that time I will be 26 weeks. If Faith has a heartbeat we will begin to meet with individual specialists for her heart, brain and spine to understand what if any options we will have in the coming weeks to sustain her life. The conversations that we will need to have as a couple if Faith continues to fight will be hard and difficult and trying on our marriage because in the end all we want is to take home 2 healthy babies.
We are also struggling with celebrating our strong little boy who has continued to protect his little sister in the womb. During several ultrasounds we have seen his tiny little hand over his little sister and just typing that brings tears to me eyes.
When I reluctantly obeyed God and delivered on my promise to share my life, my story - the good the bad and the ever so ugly - I had no idea I’d be able to use this forum as a platform to request prayer. In the end I am asking for your prayers. We are asking for continued faith, continued hope and peace. We are so thankful for those of you that have reached out to us; we have been amazed with the out pour of support and are so blessed to call you family. I personally promise to keep all of you posted on Faiths progress in the coming weeks. I rest in your prayers and pray each of you enjoy the love surrounding your precious life. Our time on this earth is not promised but our life in eternity is sealed with His promise, may we all rest in that beauty.