On Monday, January 8th we entered the ultrasound screening room and discovered baby Faith had passed. Our hearts broke as the tech confirmed her tiny heart was no longer beating. What? I was convinced I felt her move the day before and I truly believed she was going to make it. The news hit me like a punch in the gut where I couldn’t breathe or see or think – unimaginable pain and heartache. I closed my eyes and cried and absolutely nothing on earth mattered except that tiny little girl that was no longer with us. Rich and I held each other and cried as we let go of any hope that this little girl would be a part of our lives here on earth.
At almost 29 weeks we hoped, prayed and felt every emotion since our first ultrasound just 21 weeks ago. For 21 weeks we have been on a roller-coaster ride at times hopeful at other times doubtful but always questioning why? Why would God give us this life if he intended to take her away from us? My faith in God, his goodness and his plan has been put to the test more times in the past few months then ever before because I don’t understand the why? I know when I make it home I will have the opportunity to ask Him but it’s quite possible it won’t matter. In heaver I will be free, spotless, and in the presence of my three little angels that have only known heaven while I mourned them on earth.
Today my body is struggling to understand what state it should be in, I have been on a mild bed rest since the day after we learned the news. I have been having contractions and mild cramping which they believe is caused by the trauma and stress. Our pregnancy went from high-risk to higher-risk because Faith will remain in my womb until I am ready to deliver our baby boy. We are watchful for preterm labor, infection and other risks factors that can be caused from Faiths passing. Now more then ever we need prayer that my body can safely carry our little boy through the next few months.
I struggled to write this post because I don’t have a silver lining or a pebble of wisdom or a thought to leave you with; I am just broken. In public I keep it together, I engage in conversation, I show up, I laugh when it’s appropriate and I find a way to stay present. But when I am by myself I am dying inside, alone, isolated, and fragmented. Time I know will ease my pain and thankfully I am able to enjoy the simple moments I have with my son H. I am also encouraged when I feel my baby boy moving around inside my womb.
While I do not believe I will ever understand why God places certain obstacles in our way I have to thank each and every one of you who has lifted me up in prayer. Without your support my faith would have been shattered beyond repair. Instead I am hopeful and a tiny part of me has found a small space for peace. I know without a doubt that Faith is in Heaver, that she is surrounded by love and that she is watching over our boys H and our little man coming in March.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven – Matthew 6:10